Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's grocery delivery man.

After I left the police I re-civilianised myself and rode a lot of miles on my Harley. Then I decided to get a little job I did a bit of on-line groceries delivery for a major supermarket, whilst waiting for my next assignment in life. Here’s a few moments that stuck in my mind: A MENCAP care in the community `halfway house` where I couldn't tell staff from residents which, to me, means they’re doing a darn good job. Support MENCAP, they are magnificent. (Mencap - The UK's leading learning disability charity) A `mansion` (South Fork style) where the owners were a couple of nouveau riche low-life's in designer gear and a permanent state of domestic turmoil - think "The Osborne's" with the over-riding threat of imminent violence - just like being back in the police working sink estatesville. I was later told that the thug male of the house was a professional football star on a six-figure salary -per MONTH - whatever, still behaved like a low life p.o.s. You can dress a yob in Armani, but he’s still a yob. A university hall of residence - all female - where I was ushered in through three security doors and into a communal kitchen which was more of a chamber of hormones! Midday Saturday and most of them either still in bed with each other or slopping about in next-to-nothing- jim-jams - good job I knew where to look! I had to give the 19 yr old customer a £10 voucher because I was 10 mins late. One of her mates immediately piped up with, "Ooh, can we persuade you to always come late? Hoots of screams and giggles followed. With all the dignity I could muster I replied, "Well, as Charles said to Diana, `I'll be leaving one now`. A doorstep in the North of the city on a lovely sunny day, where the lady of the house received the goods from me, `dressed` in a baggy shirt, probably her husbands, that didn’t even cover her `map of Tasmania` and combined with the breeze and the bending, revealed everything, including her appendix scar. Didn’t bat an eyelid. A job where I walked into the open door of the delivery address to find a bloke who could not walk or talk. We communicated by nods and gestures. I just sort of assumed he wanted the groceries and unpacked them for him. A warden supervised care home for the elderly, where my 85 year old customer used to be a policeman in London, at my very 1st nick, when they wore the collar numbers on the collar! I had no time to talk to him, which was a tragedy, because of the time and motion clock I was working to.

An address where the SATNAV took me on a nightmare journey down a series of progressively narrowing cobbled alleyways where at one point I had to fold in both mirrors to get through with literally 2" clearance either side. Halfway along a lady in a Mini Cooper came the other way but told me she couldn’t reverse. I climed out of my cab window to back her car out for her, before climbing back in to drive my van out. And then found out it was the wrong address. Technology, pah! But at least I know I can maneuver a 7 ton van into a space the size of a cigarette packet. That was a tough job.

12 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

You have just reminded me about a tense moment I had in a previous incarnation. I had knocked on the door to speak to a gentleman. I could hear a dog barking in the background and when the guy opened the door he was contriving to stay mostly hidden by it. But I could see that he had attempted to cover his naked body in a curtain but had failed. The funny thing was he had been expecting my call and was not pissed off to see me...

dickiebo said...

You just had to get that in, didn't you? Bloody showoff! Well - I can reverse too. - Well, so long as I don't have to sort of twist around. That hurts my neck!

powdergirl said...

I've knocked on a lot of doors, warning residents about imminent danger and pending seismic activity.
Sometimes I'd be in the same neighborhood a few times a week, for months.
My most memorable one was a lawyer(surprise!!) who "worked" from home. He started off just showing a little skin, shirt left undone, next he was bare-chested, with a tie and trousers, then it was the bath robe, till one day it was full frontal nudity, engaged, so to speak.
It was like a long, drawn out burlesque( not to insult burlesque)by a pot-bellied, pigeon chested, hairy backed, slack-assed...you get the image.
He was the worst. But there were so many.
I don't know why, but it's never even occurred to me to answer my door naked.
Well its occurred to me, but I haven't followed through.
Yet.
I do drink, you know. ; -/

Hogday said...

Blue Eyes/Powdergirl: What is it with these people? I discovered that this was `my` nudie's SOP - a serial flasher! What was she expecting me to do? I never did find out. Call me `old fashioned` but I like to get to know a lady first lol. PS I have nearly nude pics of me on my last day in the police. Sent them to the force newspaper and dared them to print it to show how retirees are treated, but they didn't, well all job papers give Pravda a good run for its money - gutless wimps! (Will publish said photos for money)

Ah Dickiebo, the skill is there, but the old neck, the bloody old neck! You should've seen me shimmy in and out of that van window. Like a limbo dancer on steroids.

Annette said...

I love the first one.
I know someone who was a gardner and he had us in stitches about the way women answered the door. By that I mean they were hardly ever dressed.And bending over and showing everything!!
He always knew what was going to happen!!
LOL.

powdergirl said...

Hate to sound like a dummy, Hogday, but what exactly is a "yob" ?

Hogday said...

PG: "Yob", "Yobbo" English slang for an uncouth, unruly, pain in the arse youth. I used to think it was derived from `backward boy` - but maybe not. The term is often seen in `red top` newspapers, often in a headline! ie Yob Culture on our street corners or `Yobs Rob Granny for Pension Money`.

powdergirl said...

Thanks,
you British are so creative with your name calling !
Love it.

Hogday said...

PG: We're just a load of wankers, really.

ShySongbird said...

Just nipped over from replying to the comment you left me. What an unusual and interesting blog, I loved the brilliant observation on the MENCAP halfway house.

Hogday said...

Shy Songbirds are always welcome here, but watch out for the cats.

ShySongbird said...

That's very kind! Must admit cats are not my most favourite creature, now dogs! I love 'em all any shape or size I just love them.