Wednesday, 7 January 2009
A Night Intruder Vanquished
If anyone has been harrassed by an un-neutered tomcat they will understand this story. Picture the scene, its 1am, the night is freezing and the Hogday's and their cats are asleep, Hogdays in bed and cats on the kitchen chairs or anywhere else they fancy. Suddenly the sound of `the intruder` woke both cats and humans, but there was a cunning plan and a trap had been set. Ha ha ha ha ha ha (Maniacal laughter like Vincent Price at the end of Michael Jackson's "Thriller"). Mrs Hogday was already out of bed, naked (just threw that in to sex it up a bit)and halfway to the pre-arranged rendezvous point. She called it in, there was indeed a suspect on premises and he's been tumbled and was now desparately trying to claw his way back out, as if he sensed retribution was on its way. Retribution for all the disturbed nights, frightened resident cats and sundry pee-spray markings from previous break-ins. But not tonight Mr Tinkles, not tonight. You can't escape when the flap's been set to "In Only" (More Vincent Price-type cackling). By now, Plan A was swinging into action, like a scene from Die Hard or the SAS at the Iranian Embassy Seige, `swinging` being appropriate as Hogday, now on his feet, was also naked. (More sexual intrigue and titillation) Actually, it wasn't quite Die Hard either, as it was freezing cold - oh and he wasn't wearing his old flameproof fatigues, respirator or body armour - and the hostages were only a couple of cats - but apart from that it was exactly like the Iranian Embassy Seige or Die Hard 1,2,3 or 4. As the moment of retribution approached, Mrs Hogday, a devout cat lover herself, sought confirmation from her, by now, fired up husband that he was only going to use `reasonable` force before handing him a jug full of fresh water. Assuring her of his intention to use less than lethal force, our hero skilfully unlocked the double door with one hand whilst taking careful aim with the shimmering half gallon of H2 O. The hapless moggy thought he was home free as the door eased open, but not before a well aimed jugful caught him, pa-dooch, square on the back as the door simultaneously swung open allowing him to finally scoot off into the night and back to his evil lair, well and truly butt-soaked as the victorious Hogdays dance a jig around the kitchen table. Oh how they laughed. A non gender specific spokesperson for Bumstead Police said, "We cannot condone people taking this sort of action, as this could have been a cat with a very expensive shampoo, set and manicure. This could render a person liable to arrest for criminal damage, as the cats value was temporarily reduced, requiring another shampoo and set from Fifi's Fancy Feline Emporium. In future, we advise that you simply sit back and allow your home to be peed in. In a statement to BBC News, Hogday ( 40+ ) said, "I just acted instinctively in self defence, using reasonable force. If the Government can't stop this sort of thing then it's up to us citizens to take the law, and our jugs, into our own hands".