Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Its only words but, like the previous post, there's many a true one spoken....

I've been awake since 3am. I finished work late last night and got home about 11.45pm and went straight to bed (well I did brush my teeth and wash - just my hands and face and.... perhaps....but no). Mrs Hogday had done a 12 hour duty and had been crashed out for a couple of hours, so I crept quietly in beside her and was kipping furiously within minutes. I must have been away with the fairies for an hour, when suddenly they all turned into roguish elves and my dozy world started to go pear-shaped. I was gently roused to near consciousness by a soft, repetitive sound in the back of my mind. Well it started soft (and in the back of my mind) but as the back of my mind worked with it, the gentle sound became louder and more shrill until it was rejected from the back of the mind and moved up to the front. All that was left for me to do was open my eyes and face the reality that I was awake. It was a car alarm. But not just any old car alarm, it was a car alarm fitted in the car of my next door neighbour and, as our house is a barn conversion with the sleeping quarters on the ground floor, it was also right outside the bedroom window. To add to the tension of the situation, the neighbours house is situated so that none of their bedroom windows overlook the driveway - QED - they can't hear a thing. So there I am, awake with a wheeeoo wheeeoo wheeeoo on the other side of the double glazed french doors. Thankfully, Mrs Hogday slept on. She was zonked out from a real slog of a day and I was dreading her waking up. Suddenly it all went quiet. Had the neighbour blipped his infrared blipper or had the thing re-set itself? I didn't care. It had stopped. I went back to sleep.....until it woke me again an hour later and an hour after than. By 3.30 am I was all ready to go round and beat his door down, but I was that knackered I just dozed. Our discrete, gentle alarm radio went off at 6am and I was up like a shot and doing brekky in bed for the two of us. Thankfully, Mrs HD had missed all the racket. Now, we had this trouble a while ago on several separate occasions, including their house alarm, and got a sort of wet-wank apology of sorts. Funny how some people, even those who really want to, just have no idea of how to say `sorry`. So this time I thought I would strike while the iron was hot and drop a notice of intent through the front door. There are two versions and I will allow you to share them both with me: Version 1 : Dear Robert and Ruth, we must inform you that, once again, your car alarm activated for no good reason overnight. Having just spoken to Mrs HD, it started about 9.30pm and then continued intermittently until about 3.15am. We know it didn't go off after that because Hogday didn't get back to sleep after that one. We must assume that you don't hear it, either that or you ignore it and hope it will re-set and stay re-set, but take it from us it doesn't. Please will you take immediate steps to rectify the situation as it doesn't leave us in a good frame of mind to start a day's work. P.S. To stress how it left us feeling, Hogday was within an ace of banging on your door at 3am. You were saved by the final re-set. Sincerely etc Version 2 !WARNING! If you blanch at seriously naughty words, do not proceed beyond this point - I reiterate, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Hello Sleepyheads, it's ten past fucking 4 and I am wide a' fucking wake thanks to your nancy-boy French poofs car and it's psychotic piss-useless alarm. How many times have your alarms fucked up in the past year? Now compare this figure to how many times your French poofs car or your ticky tacky mansion has been broken into. Can't remember? Well I'll tell you. To the former question, too many to mention. To the latter, fucking none, fucking zip, fucking zeeeero. Surely you haven't forgotten the last 3 conversations we had about this very, very anti-social interference to our otherwise relatively bearable life as your long suffering neighbours. We put up with your loud, poncey privately educated bratlets Rupert, Reggie and fucking Fiona and their endless ranting. We're even used to that rancid cheesy dumbarse Stepford wife smile of Mrs Airhead-where's-my-nail-varnish as she reverses out whilst nattering moronically on her mobile fucking phone to her over-arsed, over-tanned, spandex clad bleach blonde, fake Gucci-bagged, over foundationed, crimson-lipped ugly-bitch friend in her pointless 4x4 Nissan Sasquatch. It's the fucking alarms going off for no discernable reason that makes me want to ring your pencil neck and shove your pointless wailing alarm systems up your arse about 6 inches past your pyloric sphincter. Have a nice day, cnuts, because you've fucked ours sideways. Yours sincerely, The Hogdays. Two songs accompany these letters. I hope you enjoy both of them as they say so much. Can you match them to the letters? And which one got posted through the door?

20 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

I feel your pain, Mr H.

I get some consolation from the fact that living in a barn in Northernshire appears to offer no noise benefit over living in an inner city slum in Metrocity.

Last night I was prevented from falling asleep by a tiny creaking sound which I could not convince myself was not someone creeping around my flat.

Hogday said...

You were in my thoughts throughout my typing. I'm better now. I have had a shave, and missed.

Sage said...

I love the second version which has a smack of truth about it.. but I bet you sent the first in order to not antagonise the neighbours.. who lets face it if they don't hear it, then it can't be a problem can it.. doh!... poor you...

Conan the Librarian™ said...

That "over-arsed, over-tanned, spandex clad bleach blonde, fake Gucci-bagged, over foundationed, crimson-lipped ugly-bitch friend in her pointless 4x4 Nissan Sasquatch" sounds like the stupid cow who went through a zebra crossing, phone clamped to her ear, while I was half way across.
Put it this way; if I had been George, Paul and Ringo would have bought it first.
But that would have been in an ideal world...

Hogday said...

Conan: Christ, she got a move on. She was in Yorkshire at 7 this morning. Nearly ran me and the Jack Russell over - and we were on the pavement!

Sage: Not so much a `smack` m`dear, more a kick in the lobbocks. And I always take a very deep breath, then hold halfway through the exhale, before squeezing the trigger. ;)

Blue Eyes said...

The other day I stood in the middle of the road and shouted at someone for using his phone while driving. He was a little surprised.

Dave Pie-n-Mash said...

I like the sound of version 2 and I'd urge you to go with that one. Sometimes, after having been polite to neighbours on numerous occasions only to find they aren't picking up on the clues, a hand grenade through the letterbox seems like a fair way to focus their minds. Not to mention ripping out their alarm unit and jamming that through whats left of the letterbox.

As for cell phones while driving... you should see what it's like in passive-aggressive Minnesota where I live. It's not against the law to drive while on the phone here, so it's omni-present and it pisses me off - especially when they cut in front of me because they aren't paying attention.

But I'd hate for my above comments to give you the impression I am unbalanced. (twitch, twitch)

Hogday said...

Blue: You made oi larrf you did! I bet you're one of these blokes what wroits `BUM` on the wall, then runs away giggling :))

Dave: We'd be great neighbours!

Nickie Goomba said...

I know poetry when I read it. Well said, my son.

Hogday said...

NickieG:: Glad you liked the "Sonnet from under the Bonnet" :)

Phase 2: It went off again at 4.16am this morning, but here's the real measure of these moronic insects: They put a note through the door apologising (a first) but then blamed the alarm on the cold weather!Priceless!! Should have fitted an all seasons alarm. BUT, they'd moved the French-poof car outside the village hall, so although we weren't hit by the full blast (Mrs HD heard it this time)about a dozen more residents WERE!

These peeks into the lives of Darwin's Gene Pool are constantly amazing me. Perhaps they'll be Gordon Brown's next Secretary of State for Defence?

PS. I do now have their phone number. Perhaps I'll blog that???

Blue Eyes said...

Can't they just deactivate the blasted thing?

Hogday said...

Blue: Doh! "The bleeding obvious" doesn't appear to be their specialist subject. I found their explanatory note strangely hilarious. I now wonder how these `well heeled` people manage to get themselves dressed in the morning without a checklist. If they park it in the same place tonight it may result in the crime figures for crim dam to double overnight.

Blue Eyes said...

Perhaps Mrs H needs to "have a word"? I reckon she wears the boots in the Afternoon household ;-)

Hogday said...

Blue: Believe me, if they know what's good for them, the neighbours should deal with me. :-@

Vetnurse said...

Now number 2 is my kind of letter that has my winning vote, which is why my other half won't let me deal with problems unless he wants a pitbull onto it :-(

Hogday said...

Hi VN. When I get really really angry I go really really quiet. Retaliation takes a cool head and careful planning. Strike fast, strike hard.

Vetnurse said...

Thanks Hoggers will bear that in mind :-)
I tend to be the rip the throat out then clear up the body kind of person. As has been said of me.. you know when you have upset her don't you.

Hogday said...

VN; I always respect anyone with access to immobilin ;)

Vetnurse said...

your ok we then don't have any, no need small animal only and they don't tend to use it nowadays in large either it is to dangerous. Think M99 is similar in wild animal use though.

Remember being told by a VN that used to be involved with imobilon a lot the vet blew the jugular injecting it. The blood and immobilon flowed back onto him and she ended up slamming several vial of narcan in while trying to ring for an ambulance with her other hand.

Hogday said...

VN: :0