Saturday, 9 February 2013

I Smell Horseshit

During my career as a police officer I never became a dective, to be honest I couldn't even spell the word, but it never stopped me from arresting law breakers and I could always spot a crime pattern.

Now I think I'm on to something with this latest food industry debacle as a result of a letter of resignation from The Conservative Party I caught sight of recently, `penned` by an old pal of mine, so hear me out because I see a pattern here. It was the below extract that got me thinking:
"We are closing Police Stations but opening up Police Offices in Supermarkets. People
such as supermarket managers will be encouraged to join the Police on accelerated
promotion to Inspector rank. This makes perfect sense as obviously there will be no
difference between running a supermarket and running a Police Station. They will be the

Brief enquiries reveal that police mounted sections are being disbanded all over the place
Furthermore, it appears that the new policing commissioners, elected on a turnout of less than 15% of the electorate are appointing unelected deputies all over the place, at a pretty decent salary. Why?

Now it might just be me doing a rising trot in the wrong direction (my canter needed work), but when I see the Winsor report suggesting police offices be relocated in supermarkets, when I see police horses being `sold off`, when I see newly appointed policing commissioners employing deputies who weren't even elected (although I can see their logic in not bothering on the grounds of cost/pointless/waste of time etc) and then, finally, when I see Findus lasagne (or was it "Frozen Fish Fetlocks"?) in the news........... well, if it waddles and it quacks and it says `beef` on the package, it all makes perfect sense.


Anonymous said...

Hi, An excellent post. Not only would you have made a damn fine detective but the demonstration of your ability to develop inferences shows that there is an analyst inside struggling to get out! The picture of the horses arse is very apt in relation to the Winsor report.

From TM

Tadanori said...

I wonder if our politicians really are what they claim. Perhaps DNA testing should be compulsory before taking office? We might stand a chance of discovering paedophiles, liars, cheats, incompetents before they are given such awesome power over the common man (or boy of girl).

Mr Cynic

Hogdayafternoon said...

TM and Mr Cynic:
Competency testing? DNA? Whatever next?
Actually, I think they used to have that sort of scrutiny as part of the Met police selection process. I recall the recruiting HQ in Borough High Street. I seem to remember spending most of the day naked, being marched from room to room and then standing before 3 blokes in white coats all sat behind a desk. I had to place my feet on the white marks on the mat and bend over. They all whistled then marked me as suitable, so they must have seen something they liked? But would you get a prospective MP to do that? (See the previous post for a possible answer)

JuliaM said...

"But would you get a prospective MP to do that? "

I hear some would pay you (out of expenses, of course..) for the privilege! ;)

Hogdayafternoon said...


Conan the Librarian™ said...

I think you are bolting the stable door after the horse has been bolted.

Hogdayafternoon said...

Conan: Well I'm hoping that none suffered during the making of those burgers:-/

CI-Roller Dude said...

One department I worked at actually had a copper who had been a grocer for 16 years. He joined the police and they made him a sergeant in less than 2 years, then on up to commander. He still has no idea what the hell he's doing...but at least when I worked with him he'd take me aside during a big event and ask: "what should we do?"

Now, he just stays in the office and hides.

Hogdayafternoon said...

Dude: I had one boss who did just that. Some detective was rushing to book out a 9mil Browning re an armed robbery, got in a flap,got his drills wrong and `bang`, one through the floor. I arrived 5 mins later and the inspector was still in the latrines.

Marcus Erroneous said...

I think that the effort to make the police too approachable will remove any lingering respect for their authority. More and more it seems like, well, I don't know what it seems like actually. Just not real law enforcement officers, the kind that really can keep and restore order. They'll end up having to recreate it for the privileged set once the police become ineffective.

Someone will have to do it for "the deserving" so they'll end up creating private police forces who will be armed and allowed to do what is necessary to keep the order for their charges.

Though, it does mean that the British Lexicon will gain the Americanism of putting someone "in the cooler". Right behind the milk section?

Hogdayafternoon said...

Marcus, good to see you back with your head out of the books!
Like the 'milk section' analogy.

Anonymous said...

The unloaded such managerial rocking horse droppings on the NHS. I used to teach management development and the very idea of elite cadres of the wuckfits fills me with terror. I doubt you or I would have caused each other supervisory bother Hoggie - whichever way round.
Never noticed most detectives detecting much - most of the job was very routine as I remember it. Went through the naked selection process myself, but fortunately found out why management is so hapless by teaching the muck.
Our local bobby can't pass the exams - but would make a good supervisor. Why lose his experience and bring in a supermarket clown? The problem is the professional classes. Who else is looking the other way across our society? I'd be more inclined to replace bank managers with ex-cops than the other way round!

Hogdayafternoon said...

ACO: A welcome return! Makes me want to get a job - but I can't find anythingthat won't hurt my poor old back.

Anonymous said...

I am currently re-qualifying to do management assessing (NVQ) - my brain is sore. Have to say some of that diversity muck has finally come in handy - the course is full of it. Work itself is less arduous that running an old file card collator's office - though less use and fun. I see it as an inflation hedge - couple of days a week if the pensions end up as I fear. You could do it if the wolf comes calling (£700 for certification).

Better for me than angst over giving kids degrees for £54K average debt. The actual assessments are more or less handing over a mirror and asking 'mist that'. This identifies the individuals Windsor wants. I add my own (is there a reflection in the mirror?) and will recommend the no shows to ACPO. Most I mark don't meet Dude's competence criteria. They lack the sense to ask what to do!
Back in old Europe (and Plato's Greece) management training was about virtue ethics. The last known body of such trained elites accommodated Hitler. I expect a Da Vinci style descendant analysis would find the offspring in police statistics departments.

Justthisguy said...

"Detective" rhymes with "defective." "Dick" is an old American slang word for detective, for obvious reasons.