Middle Englanders, how they can irritate
So
there I was, walking up a cobbled street in our local town, intent on
taking a dekko inside the recently refurbished Corn Exchange , now a
museum, bric a brac and cafe, at the top of the road. Cars are parked on
the right of this short, narrow `One Way` street and a builders van
isn't quite as close to the offside kerb as it could be.
I
suddenly hear an engine revving, rather hard, behind me. I turn around,
gingerly as my neck is still sore from my recent injuries, just in time
to see that well known curse of the motorcyclist.... a Volvo Estate
driven by a member of the `Blue Rinse Brigade`and, on this occasion, the
curse of the innocent pedestrian as well.
Deciding that the
gap is too narrow, she decides to mount the kerb and drive past on the
pavement, regardless of my presence, and forcing me to step smartly back
against the wall of a building so as to avoid a second `blues and
two's` run to A&E. (I am currently recovering from a rather nasty head injury - NOT motorcycle related I must stress). To add to getting her knickers in a twist by
having her path obstructed by a parked van, she now had a local oik (me)
having the temerity to be in her way on the footpath! To be doubly sure
she gets my dander up, she gives the car horn a good 2-second blast as
she passes me, pressed against the wall.
I shout a well known
English attention grabber at her, "Oi"! She stops and down comes her
window. I say, "thanks for making me jump twice, once for my life and
once because of your totally inappropriate and deafening horn-sounding".
In an annoying Thatcheresque grating, accent she says, `Well that car
was badly parked and I couldn't get by". To which, said oik replies, "So
why make your problem MY problem by driving on the footpath forcing a
pedestrian to take avoiding action"? "She glares at me, like I'm a
Richard she's just stepped in".
I have a fair command of
English and a well stocked armoury of Anglo Saxon terms of abuse and
despite a huge list to choose from, somehow my Automatic Tactical
Manouevers And Defensive Audio Selection System (AT-MADASS) decided on
the following three words: "You HORRID woman".
Judging from the
defence suite's Abuse Review Scrutiny System (ARSS), it was a good hit.
Two women from the Corn Exchange cafe who had come out onto the steps to
find out what the hooting and shouting was about, clapped their hands.
I expect the foul bint has reported me to the police, hoping I will be
birched.
11 comments:
I think your comeback to her was very appropriate and you could have said a lot worse and still been in the right.
Why is it people are in such a hurry?
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Never a dull moment for you is there? Get well, 'ware the blue hairs!
Hi HD!
My word, you were restrained. To be honest I think I would have had a monstrous humour dump.
Sorry to hear that you have been injured, and wish you a speedy recovery.
Perhaps you should have let her 'knock you over' and then sue her for all past injuries...
'Horrid' is it? A wonder she doesn't take you to court and then have you birched. What a terrible thing to call a woman. Better if you had called her a biotch!
Seriously, is this incident why you've been away for so long?
Congratulations on surviving your encounter with the MEMCW (Massively Entitled Middle Class Woman). There are hundreds of them where I live and if they are not driving 4x4's the size of an Infantry Fighting Vehicle at high speed down narrow lanes whilst talking on the phone and applying makeup simultaneously they are to be found parking appallingly badly in any spot that takes their fancy. I have seen such a person occupy not two but three spaces at my local supermarket. I would actually rather deal with scrotes any day. They usually know they are scrotes and expect to be treated as such. The MEMCW's expect deference as a matter of course and are offended when someone dares to contradict them. You won't make any difference to how she behaves however.
Retired
Cheers Troub`. Best I note her Volvo, along with all the others.
Dull would be nice, Sarge!
Tony, a brilliant idea that I thought of after I'd sat down and poured a `dark and stormy`. Too late to fake! Thanks for the well wish. It was my head. Hardest bone in my body - and not bike related, I say again....
QM: You are a man who knows pain! and no, the incident didn't slow me, life did. I'm trying hard to look in more often.
Ret`d. I totally agree. Those people I generally despise and would have their heads on the pikes during my first week as Albion's Lord Protector.
Your response was spot on. There is nothing worse you could have said!
Rough language would just have given her a reason to put you in the wrong.
Thanks Ben. I was pleased that it came naturally!
You should come back to London and deal with the self-important pricks and prickesses on the tube in the morning. Their journey is soooo much more important than everyone else's!
Dekko, that's northern for shit, right? As in, "I needed to get to this art gallery café museum place to use the Gentlemen's facilities"?
Blue, really, you are so new age. `Dekko`, a Hindi term adopted by the British during the Raj and meaning, `to look at`. I believe it was first used in Lucknow, 1857, at the time of a little misunderstanding over the East India Company's issue of some rifle cartridges. When the box was opened, some Sepoy shouted `have a dekho at these, they're bluddy smokey bacon flavour sahib, where's bluddy `salt 'n vinegar? Caused a bit of a stink. I'll have you in Southall for a good `Indian` yet;)
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