Monday, 23 March 2009
Go ahead and book me. Make my day.
Had a bit of a ride yesterday. Dry and sunny but a cold north wind. So there I was riding into town when out of a side turning comes La Bimbo in the BMW cabriolet, roof down, straight into my path. Thankfully, a BMW GS has just about the best brakes on the road - sensationally powerful servo assisted anti-lock beauties - the business. Eg. Using just two fingers, I can have Mrs Hogday sliding up my back and sitting on my shoulders (even when braking hard on the motorbike). But enough of this disgusting innuendo - So, La Bimba pulls out in front of me. She did really well to manage this because she was only using her left hand while the other one had her mobile phone clamped to her right ear, which is probably why she didn't bother to look my way and why she never witnessed the consummate ease with which I counter-steered to the right whilst simultaneously applying the front brake which BMW very cleverly links to the rear brake, automatically distributing the perfect balanced braking effort of 80% front and 20% back - all from just using the front lever. For a couple of life-saving seconds I was a road God. Had I been on the Harley it would have been a whole different story. Seeing as how `La Bim` missed all this through chatting on her Blingberry, I was a touch miffed because skill like that you don't see very often, so imagine my joy at finding myself next to her in a queue of cars approaching some red traffic lights. Now a BMW GS is a big tall bike. You can actually look down on Range Rover drivers (something I do anyway, bike or no). So there I am next to little Chantelle in her BMW cabriolet and big gypsy-dangly earrings, still chatting to some other airhead. I broke with my own protocols when out on 2 wheels and decided I would interrupt her `deep and meaningful`. So I sat there in the queue and slowly leaned down and gazed into her car, attracting her attention. She put her Dingleberry down and looked up at me with a quizzical expression. "Hello", I said (I wear an open face helmet) "Can you see me alright"? "Yes, why"? "I just wondered what a guy who is 6`3", fourteen stone, wearing a bright yellow jacket and sat on one of the biggest bikes on the road with it's headlight permanently on, has to do to get your attention"? "Eh?" "You pulled out of that side road whilst gassing on your phone, which is illegal, and caused me to perform 2 silent prayers and a bit of stunt riding in order not to join you in the drivers seat, along with my bike that incidentally weighs over 230kgs before I even get on it. You almost killed both of us so I thought it would be nice to get to know each other a bit, before you eventually succeed". No reply. Traffic moves off. We meet up again a few hundred metres down the road. (Notice how I mix my weights and measures between imperial and metric - cos I know some folks who reads this is from Canada and some is from the US. In the UK we can't make our minds up and use both at differing times - this is my old police diversity training kicking in). So there we are again and this time she's back on her bloody Doodleberry thingy. I look down at her and she says, "I'm calling the police to report you". I laughed and said, "Are they on the line now?" With a smug smirk she said, "Yes!" so I shouted, "Officer, I can give evidence that this woman is in a car, 50 yards from Northerntown Police station, with the engine running and is still on her bloody phone after nearly killing me - if you look out the window you can probably see us". She didn't know if she'd been punched, bored or countersunk - oh how I wanted to throw her fucking phone into the hedge, but she beat me to it and chucked it into the passenger footwell before turning bright red. I said, "Thats better. I'm going now but I'll be slow so you can write my number down - I've already got yours". I hadn't of course. I just wondered if a police officer issuing her with a fixed penalty ticket would have had the same effect? PS. Have just retrosp[ectively added an Australian Road Safety card that was being handed out in Sydney during the week leading up to the 2003 Gay Pride Parade. Gotta love the Aussies.