Friday, 19 August 2011

Recalled to Life

Just got back from my hols and found this urgent message. I missed the date to report for duty, do you think they'll miss me?
Dear Colleague,
You will be aware that there have been serious outbreaks of disorder across the UK, resulting in widespread looting, arson, criminal damage, burglary etc.
 In response HM Government has issued a decree that all retired Police Officers who have served in a UK police force will be required to report to the HQ of the force they previously served with.
  Here they will be issued with appropriate uniform and equipment to enable them to join serving officers on the front line, dealing with the current situation. According to their physical condition they will be issued with specially designed Zimmer frames, walking sticks, walking frames, wheelchairs & mobility scooters. Where possible such items will be marked with Force insignia and black & white chequered tape.
In addtion, mobility scooters will be fitted with blue lights and wailers.
Airwave radios have been adapted to accept a connection to hearing aids.
The Government accepts that there will be a need to provide additional specialist equipment, and incontinence pads will be available at a reasonable cost.
There will not be sufficient time to issue new warrant cards, but bus passes will be accepted instead.
SAGA have agreed to provide specialist Public Order vans equipped with ramps and tail-lifts. These will be appropriately marked as "OAP Police Unit"  (an abbreviation of 'Old And Past It") and they will be limited to 20mph so as not to alarm the passengers.
For those who are visually impaired, Guide Dogs will be accepted as Police Dogs.
Asthma inhalers can be used instead of CS spray.
Walking sticks are an acceptable alternative to batons.
In acknowledgement of the years of  experience such a group will have, all OAP officers will automatically be given the rank  that they retired with.
In recognition of the tremendous boost to the Police Service that your involvement will provide, your Pension will be increased by 40p per month during the current situation.
In order to comply with the Government Order, YOU ARE HEREBY COMMANDED to report to New Scotland Yard at 9a.m on Friday 12th August 2011. This is an intentional date, as of course you will be aware, it is the date known as the Glorious 12th.
By Order
Theresa May, Home Secretary
This Order is also available in large print.

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