Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Money's tight, times is hard, here's your bloody Christmas card

The Rocking Song Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir; We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you: Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences. Jingle Bells Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. While Shepherds Watched While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts. Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory. Little Donkey Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. We Three Kings We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw him, you would even say it glows. You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

10 comments:

Thundercat said...

chuckle

Conan the Librarian™ said...

A friend of mine took his bairns to Finland one Christmas to see Santa.
Feasting on a venison stew which included cranberries, he speared one on his fork, waved it under a young nose and said "Looks like Rudolph won't be guiding Santa tonight..."

Evil Twin's Wife said...

That's so close to the truth, it's scary! LOL

Blue Eyes said...

I expect Jesus would be branded an extremist these days.

Sage said...

that is so funny and I needed the laugh this morning xx

Hogday said...

Thundercat: I rode a Yamaha with that name, once. Nifty piece of kit!!

Conan: Have you heard about the Father Christmas from Yorkshire's famous phrase as he comes down the chimney? "Wake up kids, wanna buy some toys?".

ETW: Sad but true, but still sad.

Blue: Totally radical.

Sage: I need a laugh right now. Just rode back home through a deluge. Rain like a vertical sea with slots in it. Gawd bless Gore-tex.

De Campo said...

Back in 2003 right before I was about to take my band of misguided leprechauns on a reconnaissance mission my no-load commander insisted I fill out a risk assessment form. I was more than happy to oblige.

“War is Dangerous – SGT DeCampo”

Hogday said...

De Campo: I chuckled at this one:) A few years back I met our force's new H&S officer (a civvy). She wanted to assess our training and I obliged. She arrived during abseil and dynamic room entry training (all flashbangs and simunition). She was OK about it until I explained that on the real deal we would use live ammo and then really got snotty about my attitude when I mentioned that the people we were sent out to arrest constantly failed to turn up either for training or pre-incident briefings. No sense of irony, some people ;)

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